In a heartfelt letter to advice columnist Noy Kulas, a reader named LJ, a 35-year-old bisexual individual, shares a deeply personal and complex situation involving relationships with both sexes since their teenage years. LJ details meeting Liza, a devout Catholic, three years ago, while LJ themselves has no clear religious affiliation. Their relationship with Liza has blossomed, but LJ harbors a significant secret: they have been in a four-year relationship with a closeted gay boyfriend, who is married with children and whom Liza believes is merely a gym buddy.
The Hidden Relationship and Its Consequences
LJ describes their boyfriend as someone who engages in wild behavior when his wife is abroad, often going out to meet other men. Despite this, LJ has accepted the lack of loyalty in their relationship, allowing it to continue. However, with rising HIV cases causing concern, LJ has grown increasingly worried about the risks involved. Over time, as LJ's relationship with Liza has deepened, their desire for men has diminished, possibly influenced by Liza's frequent invitations to religious gatherings with her organization.
Emotional Turmoil and Realizations
LJ admits to moments of tearful realization about the magnitude of their actions, feeling alone in their guilt. Liza remains unaware of LJ's bisexuality and the true nature of the relationship with the boyfriend. Now, LJ wishes to break up with the boyfriend, disturbed by thoughts of their past actions. Compounding this, Liza has begun discussing marriage plans, as she is 31 and LJ is approaching middle age, adding pressure to the situation.
The Boyfriend's Resistance and LJ's Dilemma
When LJ proposed ending the relationship and remaining just friends, the boyfriend insisted on continuing, even if only occasionally. He has since been persistently calling and messaging, leaving LJ uncertain about how to proceed. In their letter, LJ seeks Noy Kulas's advice on what steps to take next, expressing confusion and a desire for clarity.
Noy Kulas's Response: A Path to Peace
Noy Kulas advises LJ to stick with their decision to end the relationship with the boyfriend, emphasizing that it is for their own good. He recommends blocking all forms of communication, including calls, texts, and chats. Noy Kulas points out that even though the boyfriend is male, the relationship still constitutes cheating and deception, which is harmful regardless of gender.
He stresses the importance of honesty, especially since Liza is considering marriage, and suggests that ending the secret will bring peace of mind. Noy Kulas reassures LJ not to fear the boyfriend, noting that he, too, should be cautious as a married man with children. Instead, LJ should focus on self-strengthening, as desires can be challenging to avoid if they resurface.
Encouraging prayer for strength, Noy Kulas acknowledges that LJ's situation is difficult but affirms that they are heading in the right direction. This advice aims to guide LJ toward a more transparent and fulfilling future, free from the burdens of hidden relationships.
