Dear Noy Kulas,
I have wanted to write to you for a long time but held back. Now, I can no longer bear the situation with my mother, and I need your advice. Please keep my name as Alisha.
My mother is a single mom, but she was married to my father. We are only two siblings—my older sister and I—but she lives abroad because she married a foreigner. She only came home once when our father died. Now I am the one facing this problem alone, as she rarely contacts us because she constantly argues with our mother. Our mother cannot stay still without a man in her life after our father passed away. It would be fine if it were just one or two, but since my father died, she has already had six partners, while I, at 34, have only had two. I have already confronted her about this, but she gets angry, saying she is just enjoying her life. She claims this is her way of coping with my father's death. What a strange way to cope. What should I do to change my mother? Was she like this before she met my father? She seemed to settle down when she met him. Is there any hope that my mother, who is fond of men, will change? Please advise me.
ALISHA
Noy Kulas' Response
Alisha, your desire for your mother to change is not good and is not realistic. Attraction to men and the desire for companionship are very personal. Even though she is a widow, she still has the right to love, be intimate, and have a partner. What you can do is remind her that constantly changing partners will not be good for her in the long run. Tell her not to rush into a relationship. Advise her to get to know a man well before entering a relationship. To avoid making her angry, show that you are supportive and willing to help her screen the men who seek her affection. Show her that your intention is not to block her relationships but to ensure she is not abused or taken advantage of by her partners. Instead of scolding and avoiding her, develop a closer bond with her. That is a more effective approach than forbidding her. Perhaps that is what happened between her and your older sister. Let that be a lesson to you.
NOY KULAS
